About school, being different and the past year

Well, yet again some time has passed since my latest blog. A lot has changed. Last year in April I quit my studies as a nursery-class teacher. Because I felt I would fail. I stayed at home for a month and then I started to work for a few months. In September I started a one year course to become a dentist assistant. Right now the end of the school year is approaching and I am for 99% sure I will obtain my degree. I am happy that I also have a degree as a pharmacy assistant. Probably I will start first as a dentist assistant and then I still can choose which job I prefer.

My doubts about what I should do with my life are still present. There are some decisions I know I should urgently make. Though I can't bring up the courage to do so. Last year I made a lot of personal progress and I was very happy (despite the worrying whet ether I would be able to finish my courses). During September I became much more closed again. I feel a bit stuck right now.

Sometimes I wish my life and my personality were more like that of an average student. I used to be fine with being a "odd person" with "strange" interests and "different" clothing. Now I start to notice how superficial and empty I come across to other people. I don't dare to tell about the things I am interested about, because I fear their judgment and that I will bore them. That's why I only talk about subjects like the weather, school, about things which are important for the other person,... I believe I might make people uncomfortable if I would talk about gender diversity, books, films and series which aren't " "mainstream" ",...

On the bright side: I saw the band which made me become interested in music! Lordi is glam rock band which won the Eurovision contest in 2006. Their stageoutfits and the show are based on eighties horrormovies. They were my springboard to metal. So basically the band influences my music taste for nearly eight years. The concert was awesome! I am SO happy I saw them live! : D

While performing "They only come out at night"

Also I reconciled with an acquaintance. I still believe the way he acted towards me is unacceptable. But altogether I prefer not end our relationship while having arguments.

Lately I started thinking about moving out. I probably won't do it during the next twelve months, though it's a relieve to think somewhere in the next few years I will get a place of my own. Hopefully somewhere quiet.

I wonder what life has in store for me the next three years.

I survived the newest end of times

Here I am again!

To pick up the thread: I did start courses to become a nursery-class teacher in September. Also, I switched schools from Leuven to Mechelen. Now I lose much less time with commuting! :) Still I doubt about my study direction choice, but probably I would do that at every direction I could follow.

The past weeks I had almost every Thursday a internship. Most of them were fun, but as we got more activities to prepare I started to have more difficulties to accomplish them all. Especially the written part of my preparations wasn't always finished. I procrastinated a lot so I had to work very late in the nights before Thursday. I wonder if I have become lazy or just plain demotivated ... I like the kids, that's not the problem. Though I am a disappointed I can't study something that's connected to my field of interest, biology. (I fear the theory would be too difficult) Well, I'll try to become nursery-class teacher and see how far I get in the end.

School: Thomas More

As I changed schools, I had to build up again connections with a huge group of people. (my class counted sixty students in September) I made some classmates and it gets easier to make contact with people I don't know well which I see as a confirmation of the social progress I made the past school year. Though I should be a bit more careful because I have the nasty habit of saying straight what I think. It was quite interesting to see how people influence and form groups with each other.

The relationship some people outside school (for example my mother) has become rather difficult. I don't know how to deal with these people at the moment.

Ten days ago I saw Zornik at the Depot in Leuven with a former classmate. I just realised it was the third time I attended an act by this band, which is actually a coincidence.
I was very pleased by their performance! ^^ It was the first time I saw Zornik in a venue and never heard them play acoustic before. I should attend concerts more often. I wish to hear a concert by Epica, but the next scheduled date in Belgium is at a festival, Graspop. Oh well, probably they will visit Belgium again another time. :)

Also I bought the computer game: Alice the madness returns. It has been almost ten years since I played a recent game, so it's very impressive to see how beautiful it is! (too bad I didn't have much time to play past weeks)



Fighting against a steampunkish teapot! Those bastards kill me EVERY time!

Completely random: currently I am starting to become very fond of the colour pink. :3 And the current fashion with the sequins makes my eyes shiny. ^^

That's about it, next time I post an update the new year has probably reached far! ;)

I am still alive!
What happened in the past months?

Last time I forgot to mention that during April I went to see Emilie Autumn and Anathema. I enjoyed both concerts a lot!

Author: unknown
source: http://www.peek-a-boo-magazine.be/



Author: unknown
Source: http://www.progarchives.com

Most important: I decided which courses I want to follow!
Nursery-class teacher it will be.
I visited a nursery-class teacher to get some more information from "the field" and it sounded good. :)
Tough after the past year I am still in doubt whether I am able to achieve a Bachelor. I am not exceptionally bright or talented, and always had to work hard for school. Also, I consider changing school. The past year I studied at Heverlee (near Leuven) and the commuting was very harsh in combination with my sleeping problems. The train connection to Mechelen is apparently better from the village where I live. (I didn't want to study at Mechelen first because I have a bad impression of the city and the school at Heverlee has a better reputation)

I participated during the exams in June and my results were not good, but okay.

Somewhere during May I listened to a  song by Siouxsie and the Banshees and surprisingly I liked it. A week later I wanted to listen to The Cure. Which was all a bit strange because I am not into post-punk or new wave. Of course I listened to several songs in the past, but they just didn't feel "right" to me. I listen different genres of music, but I prefer metal the most. Anyway, I ended up liking The Cure too and by coincidence they were headlining the first day of the festival Rock Werchter. (very close to my home)
Aaaannnnnddd it turned out we had a spare ticket for that day in our family! =)
I saw several acts, but in general I liked the performance by Within Temptation the most. (which is also strange because I ever swore to myself I would never go to a paying performance by them) The Cure actually disappointed me a bit because the band was so static and in the middle of the performance it became a bit "boring". Though I enjoyed it a lot and the band played for almost two hours!(which is probably the reason of the "gap" in the middle of the performanc) Overall I was satisfied with my day. ^^

I learned two tings that day:
1) not all British people are as kind and polite as those I met in London.
[actually the couple I met was SO rude, they kind of spoiled my experience during the act of The Cure...]

2) The panic attacks I experience regularly when I've pushed myself to attend a "social event" are possibly not caused because of the presence of many people.
[I couldn't find anyone to accompany me at the festival, so I went alone. Not one panic attack occurred. I don't understand myself anymore.]

Sharon den Adel from Within Temptation

Robert Smith from The Cure

I took advantage of the summer holiday to try a new small hair experiment which had to involve purple! I had to change my plans several times because I found the risk to mess up my hair too high or the right dye wasn't available. At the end I bleached at each side a hair lock near my ear and some ends. I dyed the locks at my ears with Violet by Directions. Too bad I couldn't dye more purple into my hair, but I didn't want to risk having to change my hair for coming internships. Though I  am very satisfied by the results! ^^
(no pictures... Yet?)

At the beginning of July I went on holiday for two weeks to France. I was the one who suggested that destination to my family because after nine years of education I liked to hear French spoken by natives. The holiday was okay, but nothing can beat Great Britain last year. :p During this holiday I had my twentieth birthday, which I still can't realise fully. XD
I got a bike for my birthday! ^^

Then it was almost August and I had to study for my re-exams, which I failed at because of demotivation. This was already the second series of exams I participated at while I know I will quit this study.... (In Belgium we have a very complicated system involving study points, which you need to start a study and I would lose points for each exam I didn't succeed)
My re-exams are finished.

I have still two weeks of holiday to go! :D That's more than I thought!


Greetings

Gathered by mices III

Hi there!
I decided to publish the link to my blog, or rather diary, online. This means that I might have to create somewhere else a blog for my more private stuff.

As I feared my internship courses went very bad and afterwards I decided to quit my education as a secondary school teacher. (tough I still have to succeed for most of coming exams) Which brings my to the question which courses I will follow coming school year?
I would like to work with children (like 5-12 years old) and/or have a caring function. Primary school teacher was my back-up plan, but I am in doubt if I would succeed those studies. Also the job seems very stressful and I perform bad under long term high pressure. Not to forget my biggest current problem is the "teaching itself", to remind which questions I have to pose.

Another option is nursery-class teacher wich is stressful too but I think I might handle the stress better in those circumstancers. Besides I already gained a bit experience with four to five year olds at the playground. My doubts are if I am "creative enough"? (puppet show, bringing a play, singing and playing a flute are not my cup of tea!)
And I can't imagine how I would find activities to fill a schoolyear for the three year olds. They seem capable of so little and have to go to the bathroom like every two hours... Last thing is if I would find a job with this degree. As far I could inform vacancys vary by regio's but the situation in my regio isn't clear to me.

I consider to study nursery-class teacher because:
it's a job which gives satisfaction,
 I can work with/ take care of children,
(most of) the kids appreciate your work,
I like to create tinkerings with the kids,
 it's definetily not a boring job, ....

Thirth consideration is orthopedagogy. I checked the studybooks by an accuintance and the difficulty seems achievable. The content of the jobs with this degree varies, so that's not so clear to me, but what I heard sounded okay to fine. Minus points: schools who afford this study are quite far away, my father doesn't support this option, it might be physically heavy and I am not so strong and it might be mentally heavy too.

I am still thinking about what I should do.

Gathered by mices II

20 february 2012

Hello, it's really time to update this online diary!
So, what happend the past weeks?

I got my exam results, about which I can't be too exicted. When I look back my study method was so horrible that my results couldn't be good. At least I passed two of the four and I believe I will succeed when I retake them in the summer. :) Also I had my observation internship (I also taught little pieces) and it went not that bad. Within two weeks I will teach my very first whole lessons to real pupils. I wonder what will happen... :p

No idea why everyone dyed their hair red few months ago, after I decided to dye mine purple within a half year. XD I went for it and now I have a dark hair with a purple shine in it. (I didn't intended it to be bright)

I am not sure why, but since a few days I feel quite happy! :D

Maybe it has to do with the progress I made in my "socialising project"? :)
If I compare to a year ago I can now:
- make contact with strangers if I am in a known environnement. Without thinking about it I approached almost all new classmates which entered my classes during the past semester and spontaneously I continue like this! :D
- say "hi" to all my classmates when I pass them and I can see most of them appreciate this
- some people start talking to me spontaneously

21 april 2012
My two internship lessons went bad. I nearly failed both lessons. To be honest I am losing a my courage to continue my courses. A year ago I thought I would never say this. I still have my pharmacy assistent grade fortunately. Since the beginning of this schoolyear I barely created any task I am happy about (or my teachers are satisfied about). My second option is to study for primary school teacher, but I expect this won't be easy at all too. Coming tuesday and wednesday I'll try to teach my third and fouth internship lessons, which are my last internship chances. I don't have faith I'll do it well. Currently I feel a bit down, so I am going to quit the Blogger universe for tonight.

Good night

This is it: 2011

Last minute I decided to write a round up of 2011 at last.
2011 was a stormy year with a lot of clouds and rain, tough some people made the sun shine again.

EDIT: this post turned out quite longer than expected and is actually written just for myself.
Here follow the most important pieces for readers:

The best (of 2011):
- started a blog by myself and even met a blogger (Sara) I was reading already a long time ^^ 
- learned a lot about alt. culture through to all the blogs I follow and especially The Ultimate Goth Guide. Thank you!

Wishes for the coming year
 - increase my social abilities, but in small steps.
final goals this year:
* talk less about myself when meeting someone
* learn to have a decent conversation without pulling myself down or talk about school
* go alone (or with someone else than the one person I always ask to accompany me) to a public event and have a decent conversation with at least three people.
- go to the Emilie Autumn concert! I am so happy she is coming back to Belgium! : D

I wish you all a lovely 2012 and may your wishes come true this year!
 

With Mr. Snoes ^^

 

The full version is the following:
 
The worst:
- saw a dear friend walk away from me and I still don't know why
- fell flat on my face a few times while trying to increase my social abilities
(I really mind that I am not able to go to concerts on a regular base or even have a 'casual' social life as a teenager because I am so shy and insecure)
- I started bending recently under the pressure of growing up
(studying or quitting and start to work? Foreseeing the departure of my parental house: how on earth am I ever going to be able to pay for a house, furniture, ...?! And do I want to live alone or do I want someone to share my house with?)
- ID-crisis

The best:
- graduated at secondary education and earned my diploma as a pharmacy assistent.
- still see some people which I really like :) , while I still have no idea why these persons want to hang around with me
- started a blog by myself and even met a blogger (Sara) I was reading already a long time ^^ 
- went for the first time to a festival all days
- started babysitting (I consider it as a hobby), which is a lot of fun!
- gained some financial independency (through babysitting)
- after all that attention for roller derby, I couldn't resist blowing the dust of my inlineskates recently and went skating for two hours... XD I want to put my skates back on as soon as possible!
- learned how to use a sewing-machine
- started experimenting with make-up more decent (I am satisfied with my current very simple but nice result)
- socialised with the people of my study direction. I don't have 'real friends' at school, but gained a few aquintances. It is a start.
Note: most usefull thing I learned: if you greet someone at a school corridor they aren't annoyed but feel appreciated. (and if they don't respond I just shouldn't pay attention)
- learned a lot about alt. culture through to all the blogs I follow and especially The Ultimate Goth Guide. Thank you!
- got a new ear piercing! ^^ (tragus)
- went to the U.K.!
- bought some very pretty clothing pieces
I started studying at high school but it is very hard. My thougts were to pick an easy direction, related to subjects I find interesting but...
whole december I slept only a few hours a night because I drowned in my homework. Currently I have a study period and I will have my first exam eleven january but I am losing courage and motivation every day. Today I am already quite behind my tight study shedule...

Wishes for next year:
- to regain my courage and energy!
- increase my social abilities, but in small steps.
final goals this year:
* talk less about myself when meeting someone
* learn to have a decent conversation without pulling myself down or talk about school
* go alone (or with someone else than the one person I always ask to accompany me) to a public event and have a decent conversation with at least three people.
- go to the Emilie Autumn concert! I am so happy she is coming back to Belgium! : D
- get over the departure of my former best friend (was friends with her for more than ten years, but once her boyfriend came around...)
- get my driving licence
- during the summer holiday I want to read easy French books
- read some known books, prefarbly with a Dutch/Belgian author
- sew more (still have to work on the lolita dress. Regulary I just have to look at it and be like <3, materialist I am. ^^ )
- have some skating trips

- HAVE FUN!

Decisions:
- fullfilling my current studies as a secondary school teacher/ switch direction to primary school teacher/ start working
- probably I will lose most accuintances from secondary school, but I feel like having a meeting during coming summer holidays with all my classmates (while writing this post I even got a message from some of my classmates asking why I was online right now and not at a party or such. They know I go out rarely but it is so sweet of them! :) )

I wish you all a lovely 2012 and may your wishes come true this year!

Emilie Simon - Flowers

This is such a cute spooky clip!
I couldn't but to post this... ^^